Final Fantasy Self Insertions
by Lord Chaos
Summary: A humorous fic in which I have entered the FF7 universe, in order to force the FF7 crew to go on a long and pointless quest to beat some bad guy. Chapters 2 and 3 up! Please R&R!
1. Chapter 1

Lord Chaos: I do not own FF7, or any of its characters. I do, however, own the plot, my Self Insertions, my move names, and the annoying little thing in my head that I never listen to.  
  
Random Servant: That's called a consience, sir.  
  
Lord Chaos: Really? Well I'll be...  
  
Random Servant: The master now presents you with his masterpiece humor: FFSI.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
*We find Cloud sitting in Tifa's bar, rebuilt in Nibelheim*  
  
Cloud: *burps* Ahh...booze...  
Tifa: *grins and writes down an outrageous number on his tab*  
Cloud: One...mor...pleeze...  
Tifa: Coming right up! *writes down another insane number on the tab*  
Cloud: An...makeitsnappy...  
Tifa: *snickers and grabs some antacid from the shelf, mixing it with the beer*  
  
*suddenly, a mysterious man who looks like a cross between Sephiroth and Vincent walks into the bar*  
Tifa: *gasps* Look! Vincent and Sephiroth have fused!  
Cloud: *hic* Huh...?  
???: No, you idiot! I'm the author, Lord Chaos!  
Tifa: *gasps* Look! Vincent and Sephiroth have fused into the author, Lord Chaos!  
LC: *sighs* No, no. Vincent's sleeping in his coffin, Sephiroth's going to appear in this demented story later, and I am the author.  
Tifa: *gasps* Look! Vincent and Sephiroth have fused into the author, Lord Chaos! And Vincent's sleeping in his coffin, Sephiroth's going to appear in this demented story later, and that mysterious guy is the author!  
LC: Close enough. Now, before this stupid joke goes any farther...*notices Cloud's drunken state, then Cloud's bar tab* Good lord! You're charging 10000000 gil per drink? Remind me never to drink here.  
Tifa: No, I just raise the bar tabs of drunk guys in order to make more money. *cackles insanely*  
Cloud: *suddenly becomes sober* YOU WHAT?  
Tifa: Meep!  
LC: Oh, god. Look, Tifa, Cloud, Barret, Yuffie, Nanaki, Aeris, Cid, Reeve/Cait Sith, Vincent, and Sephiroth...First, don't drink here. Second, don't drink alcohol period. Third, I'm the author, which means I have powers that you guys can't even dream of.  
*All of the main AVALANCHE members, each of who mysteriously appeared when LC said their name, stared at him blankly*  
LC: Okay, good. Glad we got that cleared up. *clears throat* Now then...  
Cloud: *notices that Aeris is alive* Holy crap! Aeris! You're back!  
Aeris: *notices that she is alive* Holy crap! Cloud! I'm back!  
LC: *notices that they're all idiots* Holy crap! Sephiroth! They're all idiots!  
Sephiroth: *notices that LC is right* Holy crap! LC! You're right!  
Vincent: *notices that this gag is stupid* Holy crap! LC! This gag is stupid!  
LC: *notices that Vincent is right* Holy crap! Vincent! You're right!  
Aeris: Why is Sephiroth alive, anyway? He killed me!  
LC: Yees...well...  
Aeris: Kill him!  
Cloud: He killed my Aeris!  
LC: Well...first, he's not evil any more. Second...I DON'T CARE!  
Cloud: But...  
LC: No.  
Cloud: But...  
LC: NO.  
Cloud: But...  
LC: NO!  
Cloud: All I want is a drink of water!  
LC: *makes a drink of water appear hovering in front of Cloud*  
Cloud: Thank you! *drinks the water*  
LC: *sighs* Look, this is going nowhere.  
Cloud: So, why did you call us before you?  
LC: Well...seeing as how there's some kind of new bad guy around...  
Cloud: Gotcha. You want us to go kick his ass.  
Nanaki: There goes the PG rating.  
LC: Actually, I could beat the crap out of this new bad guy with one hand tied behind my back, seeing as how here, I'm a god, but...yeah, pretty much.  
Cloud: Al-RIGHT! Ass-whooping time!  
Nanaki: I spoke twice!  
LC: Hey, come on, I gotta cut back, dude.  
Yuffie: Aww...but I like to talk!  
Cid: No @#!*&!, girl!  
Vincent: .....  
Cait Sith/Reeve: Umm...you know what? I think Tifa's having a breakdown...  
Tifa: *gasps for breath* A...stroke, you bastard!  
Cait Sith/Reeve: Whatever.  
Cloud: Par-tay! No more Tifa! No more Tifa!  
Tifa: No...more bar...Cloud. No...more booze.  
Cloud: S@*T! No more booze!  
LC: No more jacked-up bar tabs...  
Cloud: But no more booze!  
Aeris: No more man-stealing whore! (A/N: Ongoing joke. If you like Tifa, ignore it.)  
Cloud: BUT NO MORE BOOZE!  
LC: Ooookay...well....now then, if you're not toooo busy whining... Cloud: *perks up* Woo-hoo! ASS-WHOOPING TIME!  
LC: Erm...yes. His name's...  
Cloud: WHO CARES!  
LC: Shut up before I turn you inside-out.  
Cloud: Oooh...I've always wanted to see inside my skull!  
Sephiroth, Vincent, Aeris, LC, Nanaki, Barret, and Cid: SEE WHAT???  
Cloud: You know! My...what's that stuff in there called again?  
Hojo: *runs in* Brains, also known as grey matter, are the major nerve central organ inside the skull, and servers as a cont-*is cut off due to Sephiroth ramming the Masamune down his skull and Vincent shooting him in the head*  
Vincent: I've always wanted to do that.  
Sephiroth: That was fun.  
LC: Okay, if you guys are done...the villain's name is...  
Cloud: Just tell us where he is!  
LC: Uh...well...if I told you, then you wouldn't be able to go on a long and pointless quest!  
Cloud: And...WHY would we want to?  
LC: *glares at him with a look that plainly says "Do it, or I'll shave your head"*  
Cloud: Okay, okay! At least tell us what he looks like!  
LC: He looks like you with red hair, red eyes, and a cooler, spiked sword. *pats his own magic nodachi lovingly*  
Cloud: My sword is cool! Right, Aeris?  
Aeris: *looks at him oddly, then looks at LC* That's all there we get?  
LC: Yep.  
Aeris: *gives him the finger*  
LC: You want to keep that finger? Then put it down.  
Aeris: *swallows and clasps her hands behind her back*  
LC: Good girl.  
Cloud: Don't threaten my Aeris! Sephiroth: Yeah, that's my job!  
LC: Shut up all of you. I'll give you a town to go to, but you won't find him there. You'll get some information, materia....  
Yuffie: MATERIA!!!!!  
LC: *ignores her* ...weapons, and...  
Aeris: *sad eyes* You aren't coming with us?  
LC: Well...I... Aeris: Plleeease?  
LC: I...  
Aeris: *walks over to him* Pleease?  
LC: I dunno...  
Aeris: *leans towards him seductively, kisses his cheek*  
LC: *sighs* Fine, fine, fine...I'll go...  
Aeris and Yuffie: WHOOPIE!  
Cloud: Dammit.  
  
  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
LC: So ends Chapter One! Did you like it? Reviews, please, even flames are appreciated! Because I can cackle at how stupid they are!  
Random Servant: But doesn't your consience tell you not to?  
LC: My what?   
Random Servant: That annoying little voice in your head you never listen to, sir.  
  
LC: How should I know? I never listen to it! 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 of FFSI! Yay! I got it up!

Sorry for the wait, been real busy.

For everyone who thinks my Self Insert is a god: Lord Chaos isn't a god. He just says he is to threaten Cloud and the rest of them.

Cloud: *being dragged along on the ground*

Sephiroth: *holding Cloud by the ankles* Payback, Strife!

Cloud: Lemme go! Lemme go!

LC: You know, I like him better this way.

Cloud: I SWEAR, if you don't let me go, Sephiroth, I'll slice your hair off!

Fangirls: Noooooo! Not that!

LC: *sigh* I hate my job…

Aeris: *clutching LC's right arm* It's okay! You have me…

Yuffie: *clutching LC's left arm* And me! Don't forget me!

LC: *sigh* I REALLY hate this job…

Cloud: *still threatening Sephiroth* I'll sing the BARNEY song!

Sephiroth: *hands Cloud to Nanaki* Here, you hold him.

Nanaki: *bites into Cloud's feet* Whew! His feet taste horrible! 

Vincent: …

LC: FINALLY! WE'RE HERE!

The merry band has reached an airplane.

Cid: Woohoo! My kinda ride!

LC: Ahem! Who said YOU'RE piloting it? It's my plane!

Cid: #(#@)#(@!

Barret: Mah line! #(#@)#(@!

LC: Okay…now I am very annoyed…

Aeris: LC! LC! Can I sit with you!

Yuffie: No, no, let me!

Aeris: Let me sit on you!

LC: Now I am exceptionally annoyed. Fine. Aeris, you can sit with me.

Yuffie: Aww…

Aeris: YAY!

Vincent: …

  
Everyone climbs into the airplane. Except Cloud.

  
Sephiroth: *is busy tying Cloud to the tail of the jet plane* Mwahahahah!

Cloud: *is busy being gagged* Mmmph!

Sephiroth: *hops into the backseat of the plane* Hahahah! Now Strife will suffer!

Nanaki: Yay!

Everyone except Cloud and LC: *chants* We hate Cloud! We hate Cloud! We hate Cloud!

The plane lifts off, and after about an hour…

Everyone except LC and Cloud: Ten billion bottles of beer on the wall! Ten billion bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around, Nine billion nine hundred ninety nine thousand nine hundred ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall!

LC: SHUT UP! YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!

Cloud: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMPH!

LC: YOU TOO, STRIFE!

Sephiroth: *snicker*

LC: AND YOU!

  
LC lands the plane at the town they're supposed to get to, and jumps out.

LC: THANK GOD! I'M ALIVE! AND SANE!

Sephiroth: Wouldn't go that far…

LC: Shut up.

Aeris and Yuffie: *glomps LC*

LC: I hate this job…so much…

Aeris and Yuffie: I love you, LC!

LC: Planet…if you're listening…please, please, PLEASE help me….

LC: So ends another chapter of FFSI.

Servant: Yes, suh.

LC: Did I tell you to speak?

Servant: No sir.

LC: Then don't.

Servant: Yes sir.

LC: What did I tell you?

Servant: *nods*

LC: Good.


	3. Chapter 3

LC: Ah! Chapter 3! So good of you to keep reading!  
  
Butler: *mouth sewn shut*  
  
LC: Again, I don't own any mass money-making anime or game.  
  
------------------------------------------------------  
  
Planet: ~Chaos, why would i help you. i hate you.~  
  
LC: Ouch. That should've gotten to me, yet it didn't. Mysterious.  
  
Everyone walks into the small town of Klam.  
  
LC: Okay. Now that we're here, let's find our contact.  
  
Mysteriously, a young woman runs up.  
  
Woman: Are you Lord Chaos?  
  
LC: Uhh...yeah?  
  
Woman: Hi! I'm Nila! I'm your contact!  
  
Cloud: MMMMMMPH!  
  
Sephiroth: Shut up. I know that was fast.  
  
Cloud: Mmph.  
  
Nanaki: *pokes Cloud with his claws*  
  
Cloud: MMMMMMMMMMMMMPPPH!!  
  
Nila: Did you hear something?  
  
Aeris and Yuffie: No!  
  
LC: *sigh* I hate my job.  
  
Nila: Yeah, I know! Doesn't it suck?  
  
LC: Yes.  
  
Nila: Annnnyway...*hands out everyone's second most powerful weapons, except to Vincent, whom she gives the Death Penalty*  
  
Vincent: ....SWWWEEEEEETTT! *blows off someone's head*  
  
LC: Oh...damn...  
  
Vincent: ...oops?  
  
LC: RUN!  
  
Everyone makes a dash for the plane (except Cloud, who Nanaki carries), and make it just in time to avoid the incredibly angry Klam Townsfolk.  
  
Sephiroth and Nanaki: *tie Cloud to the back of the plane*  
  
LC: Get in!  
  
Everyone gets in, and LC takes off. Midflight, LC docks in a huge Super Star Destroyer.  
  
LC: Welcome to the Oath To Order, my Super Star Destroyer.  
  
Aeris, Yuffie, and Nila: Oooooooooooooooooh....  
  
Everyone else: Ahhhhhhhhh...  
  
The plane is refueled, and they take off after exchanging the propellers for super-jets.  
  
LC: *flies them to North Crater*  
  
Cloud: MMph! *passing bird craps on him* MMMMMMMMMMMMPH!  
  
Nila: There it was again!  
  
LC: Uh-huh. You get used to him.  
  
Nila: HIM?  
  
Aeris: Yeah, my former boyfriend. What was his name? Clod?  
  
LC: *sweatdrop* Cloud.  
  
Aeris: Oh right. *latches onto LC*  
  
LC: Damn, I hate this job so much.  
  
Everyone gets out.  
  
Sephiroth: What are we doing at North Crater?  
  
LC: I wanna say "training," but instead, I'll say "learning how to kick ass"  
  
Sephiroth: I KNOW HOW TO KICK ASS!  
  
LC: Yeah, yeah. How to kick ass better.  
  
Sephiroth: OKAY! WHOO!  
  
LC: I, of course, will be your teacher in the...............  
  
*echoing voice* SCHOOL. OF. HARD. KNOCKS!  
  
Everyone except LC: .......*sweatdrop*  
  
LC: Whaaaaat?  
  
Aeris: Hun, that was horrible.  
  
Yuffie: Yup.  
  
Nila: Uh-huh.  
  
Cloud: Mmmmph!  
  
Nila: Who's making that noise??  
  
Cloud: Mph.  
  
LC: Forget it.  
  
After about two months, the entire gang has learned their uber-ultimate moves.  
  
Cloud: Mph mph mph mph!!! (translation: Let's do this!)  
  
LC: Okay! Now, I'll fly you to the Isle Of Dragons!  
  
Cloud: Mph? (trans: why?)  
  
LC: To get your newest teammate.  
  
LC flies them all to the Isle of Dragons.   
  
  
  
----------------------------------  
  
LC: Ahh...so, who will be the newest teammate? Will it be a he or a she? Will it be human, or not? Will they ever unbind Cloud? Find out next time! And please review, I need ideas for the new team member! 


End file.
